Single Divorced Married

Its been a while and I haven't known how to say it. Maybe like if I don't, its not real. Like this is not really my life. But it is. And things don't just happen to us. We are active participants in our own stories and the results are from what we create along the way. Or in this case, what we destroy. Either way, it doesn't just happen. So...four years, 1,460 days, a bajillion hours and what seems like endless nights later--my marriage is over. There I said it. Well actually, I am divorced. There, now I said it. I can't tell you how embarrassed I've been to say that. How much of a failure I feel like. I mean, literally, the words couldn't come out of my mouth. I took myself out of all possibilities of seeing anyone who I would have to tell. I shut myself out of the world. I closed my instagram because not only was seeing all your happy lives depressing, but you were moving forward and continuing on and my life had just stopped! Right there.

Divorced is hard. Mormon and divorced is pretty much unbearable. Like having a permanent X on your back for everyone to see and work your story through in their minds until they've come to terms with it, like its something they should be a part of anyway. No, I won't tell you what happened. Maybe because you're a stranger and not as entitled as you believe, and mostly because there is not a one word answer for you to feel good about. Hasn't anyone ever told you life isn't that simple? I will tell you its hard. There's that whole part about being married for eternity and having to come to terms that that part didn't really work out for you. That for some reason, well actually for so many reasons, you couldn't do it. And so where do I go from here? I know this has probably been depressing for you to read but I'm telling you all now, I am choosing happiness. That despite the scariest part of it all, the unknown, I'm going for it.

Being Mormon and divorced is hard. But being Mormon is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It makes the unknown not so scary, it makes the lows not so low and amidst all of the emotions I have been working through and will continue to work through, I have more than ever come to the resolve that I am not doing this alone. Where otherwise I would choose to live under a rock forever, my faith has given me strength I never knew I could muster. Everyday I'm growing and I'm better and I'm stronger. Change is never easy, but its staying the same forever that should scare us even more. So I am changing...into someone I like. I am divorced. But that does not define me. I'm just Katie.