T I M E

The other day I found a book I had written in almost a year ago. This particular night I had written was one of the hardest nights I've experienced in my life. It was the strangest feeling though, opening it back up, because I felt like I was reading someone elses intimate journal...someone elses desperate and uncontrollable heartache. And I was heart broken for her because I could relate to everything she was saying--but the crazy part was, it wasn't me anymore. 

TIME. 

I often say I don't like time because it goes by too quickly and all of the sudden a year has passed and my nieces are huge and I'm almost 26 and off my parents insurance...but time, has healed me. Time has given me back my life. A year ago I was empty and lonely and embarrassed and confused. A year ago I was defeated, had no passion left in me and felt like my life was over. And I can't even tell you when it happened. But I'm just not those things anymore. 

Do you ever get in your head a little too much and start to feel sorry for yourself? The other day I started thinking about my life this past year in all of its absolute unrealness, and I actually tried to make myself feel sorry for me! Because that was a whole lot for a little girl to handle--but I couldn't. I couldn't even muster up the sadness. So I laughed instead. And I said thanks to God for making me a strong girl. And for giving me a second chance at life and happiness. And I said thanks to time, for the first time, for passing by quickly.

There are still so many things that I haven't got right and things about me that could be tweaked for the better, but I feel like my soul has changed. Life is too short to spend it any other way but happy and grateful for the fact that we get to live it. Life is absolutely amazing. I hope that we can all remember that. That life is not only meant to endured but to be enjoyed. That change is possible. And that time can and will heal us. Along with our Savior Jesus Christ, whose love, mercy and kindness are beyond our comprehension. Yet, they are all encompassing and there is no one excluded from basking in His everlasting source of sunshine. 
   

To life.

I made a blog and picked a pretty background about 6 months ago for the sole purpose of letting everyone know I was divorced. I don't know, I guess it seemed like the best way to do it. Put it out there in cyberspace for the whole entire world to see. I received amazing amounts of support from people I have met in all walks of what seems like a long life...I'm only 25--I know. I'm convinced going through certain things ages you X's 100! Anyway, I'm babbling. What I'm realizing is that putting it out there for you all to see was a step. For me, a HUGE one. But I have so many steps to go in my journey. Progression is key to a beautiful, fulfilled life and we all hope to be taking steps, even if they are tiny ones, forward. My life feels a little like its back tracked and I am trying so hard to close that gap and move forward. Really, just move at all.

Here is where my story begins. This was a LEAP folks. :)


I have ALWAYS been a scaredy cat. I slept with my parents until I was 4..my mom likes to remind me..In a FULL sized bed no less! (Thanks mom and dad) I would sleep on my older sister Shara's floor (when she would "allow" me), I would go wrangle either Annie or Hayley, my two younger sisters out of bed the majority of nights and make them come sleep with me and I still to this day sleep with a night light. Yep. I just didn't like being alone. There wasn't anything worse to me.

The other day I came across this quote from a friend on Facebook.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone." -Robin Williams

I couldn't have said it better. Actually this is exactly what I feel like I've been telling people who ask me about my divorce. And it never comes out as eloquently, but pretty much this quote is it. I have never felt so alone than I did in the four years of my marriage. Empty. Trying desperately to fill the void. It's almost like you feel a little crazy because you've made this committment where you feel like from now on you don't have to be alone, EVER again. I mean, you guys, I now had someone to share my bed with every night! No more scaredy cat. This was going to be awesome! And then sometimes, it just does not unfold the way you imagined. Sometimes, you are in the same house and there might as well be one million miles in between you. Sometimes you are embarrassed by the way things turned out and you don't tell anyone you feel alone, so you just feel more alone. But your not supposed to BE alone because you are married and what the hell even is marriage? And you start to question what the hell am I? How do I feel so alone when I am with another person? Am I going crazy?

Am I someone worth being with?

...if I am going to be alone, I might as well REALLY be alone.

So I am. And what I've realized, suprisingly enough, is I actually enjoy spending time by myself!

Being alone and being by yourself are completely different things!!!!!!!

I have had some much needed Katie time and I really like myself! I make me laugh. :) I used to hate working out alone and was always begging my sisters or someone else to be come with me--but the other day when I was on my bike by MYSELF I realized how empowering its been to find me again! To love me again. To know that I'm by myself and embrace it. Because I finally realized, I am NOT alone. I have the raddest family in the world! I am blessed with incredible friends. And mostly, I have a Heavenly Father who has promised me that I would never be alone. My favorite reminder from him is simple, yet powerful.."Be of good cheer little children, for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken thee." So WHAT have I been so afraid of? Being alone was never the problem. Being by myself was something that definitely took some time and understanding.

And now that I am here, I feel free. (But I will always sleep with a night light)

Single Divorced Married

Its been a while and I haven't known how to say it. Maybe like if I don't, its not real. Like this is not really my life. But it is. And things don't just happen to us. We are active participants in our own stories and the results are from what we create along the way. Or in this case, what we destroy. Either way, it doesn't just happen. So...four years, 1,460 days, a bajillion hours and what seems like endless nights later--my marriage is over. There I said it. Well actually, I am divorced. There, now I said it. I can't tell you how embarrassed I've been to say that. How much of a failure I feel like. I mean, literally, the words couldn't come out of my mouth. I took myself out of all possibilities of seeing anyone who I would have to tell. I shut myself out of the world. I closed my instagram because not only was seeing all your happy lives depressing, but you were moving forward and continuing on and my life had just stopped! Right there.

Divorced is hard. Mormon and divorced is pretty much unbearable. Like having a permanent X on your back for everyone to see and work your story through in their minds until they've come to terms with it, like its something they should be a part of anyway. No, I won't tell you what happened. Maybe because you're a stranger and not as entitled as you believe, and mostly because there is not a one word answer for you to feel good about. Hasn't anyone ever told you life isn't that simple? I will tell you its hard. There's that whole part about being married for eternity and having to come to terms that that part didn't really work out for you. That for some reason, well actually for so many reasons, you couldn't do it. And so where do I go from here? I know this has probably been depressing for you to read but I'm telling you all now, I am choosing happiness. That despite the scariest part of it all, the unknown, I'm going for it.

Being Mormon and divorced is hard. But being Mormon is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It makes the unknown not so scary, it makes the lows not so low and amidst all of the emotions I have been working through and will continue to work through, I have more than ever come to the resolve that I am not doing this alone. Where otherwise I would choose to live under a rock forever, my faith has given me strength I never knew I could muster. Everyday I'm growing and I'm better and I'm stronger. Change is never easy, but its staying the same forever that should scare us even more. So I am changing...into someone I like. I am divorced. But that does not define me. I'm just Katie.